First, it saddened me to hear that Alexander Solzhenitsyn will not get to watch this years Olympic Games in China. I predict it’s going to be a doozy. If you get a chance, drop the fact (conversationally, we here at Drunk and Offensive frown on anything said with a preachy tone, unless someone’s advocating a prohibition on alcohol or porn, in which case you burn that mother fucker’s eyes out to serve as an example for the rest of his ilk) that were it not for Solzhenitsyn, we would not have the ability to spot government gone terribly bad. Without the frame of reference he gave us, none of us would know any different.

In some cases, Chinese Olympic Fever has been reported to be fatal

Ahhh, the Olympics are almost here again. Tall, hot female volleyball players enthusiastically hugging and kissing each other in skimpy bathing suits like stars of the world’s greatest international soft-core porn; multinational corporations simultaneously  cheering for every country at once in commercials and fighting each other to cram their product logos down our throats with the same insipid advertising spots played in heavy rotation that may very well have been written by fucking mongoloid dickbags in diapers at some home where abandoned retarded babies grow up away from mainstream society; and the sounds of home made explosions hurled by oppressed ethnic minorities of the host nation.

Yes, the long-silent Uighur minority in China, the ones the Han Chinese have been ass raping for sport for so long now, look to the Olympics with more anticipation than any of these world class athletes. Hell, I’d bet money the whole idea of China hosting the Olympics started in East Turkistan. Until the last couple of weeks, China has been kicking the living shit out of members of the Falun Gong religion, the Uyghur, Tibetans, Christians, students, people who want to watch YouTube and anyone who stands on the most insubstantial fringe of what is considered opposition to the government. This has gone on for years, and what I hope to see over the course of the Olympics this year is millions of oppressed people standing up and saying “Fuck China”. I know, they make cheap TV sets and there was some meeting we all missed where the leaders of the world decided that as long as China was going to keep making cheap loans to Western Imperialists, send up cheap trade goods and make sure that less than 20% of the foodstuffs and pharmaceuticals sent to America were poisoned, they would conspire to keep the Paris Hilton sex tape on the front page and China’s deplorable medieval bullshit with regards to censorship and squashing rebellion at any cost of human life somewhere by the stocks page where no one of consequence would read it.

Well, with every fucking advertiser in the world pressuring every motherfucker with a set of eyes to stare at the Olympics for several weeks, it’s going to be difficult, I would say impossible, to keep the fact that China’s a dick out of the press. I would be disappointed if there’s not a fucking explosion, riot, self immolation (The Falun Gong are pussies and won’t fight anyone, so I’m giving them an ‘out’) or act of open rebellion against the shitty, cold-hearted Han Chinese government every day. In fact, here’s how readers can play along at work. When someone says ‘Olympics’, start throwing around phrases like ‘The Han Chinese Government’ or ‘Those people are real rice eating Chinese, not those Communist Han Chinese that overran that whole area like ants and took away everyone’s language and culture’ or the one I used today, “What were those Han Chinese cops doing so far away from the Yellow River? Looking for trouble, that’s what. If you don’t want people to run you over with dump trucks and throw home made explosives at you, don’t destroy their houses and intern them for being Moslems. That’s America’s job.” If someone says “Hey, I’m Han Chinese and I take offense to that” you tell them sorry, it’s hard to recognize Han Chinese when they’re not running over a student protester with a tank.

I predict the protesting, terrorism and China’s over-reaction/attempt to quell and hide it to to be every bit as exciting as watching the games themselves.

If I were an advertiser, I would run a spot of the fucking Birdsnest exploding, followed with a shot of a mildly annoyed Richard Jewel getting arrested. He looks up at the sky and says “Oh boy, here we go again.” THEN, a cop off camera would hand Richard Jewel a Pepsi, his face would light up and he would beam the tagline “I’ll take a false accusation of terrorism put forward by a scared and reactionary government for a Pepsi any day!” It’s not as snappy as ‘Choice of the Next Generation’, but today’s consumer needs a topical pop or they loose interest in your product…

Posted under Fucking China