Ohmygodohmygocohmygod!!! I'm out of breath from Russian over here (waka waka). Here's the best idea I've heard yet for dealing with The Oil Spill. I'll give you the lowdown to save you from doing a bunch of unnecessary reading (I know how busy you are):
American Reporter: You're a highly respected scientist with very impressive credentials, and have a reputation for very practical solutions to the world's problems. Could you tell us, please, what you think the best approach to solve one of the largest environmental disasters to ever happen in the Western Hemisphere?
Russian Scientist: Drop atom bomb on it.
American Reporter: Really?
Russian Scientist: Yes, is not very dangerous, we do all time. We do for, maybe, $10 Million. You save bunch of money, we detonate bomb off US coast. Everyone win.
YES! Finally, after Kevin Costner, Bill Nye the Science Guy, and even Bono have all rolled out unhelpful, heartfelt yet crappy solutions, after BP tries throwing golf balls at it for seventy-some-odd days, after numerous references to haberdashery [which reminds me, I'm fucking insulted that BP and the EPA would resort to using buzz words to tell us that everything's alright, that they have the situation under control. 'Junk Shot', 'Top Hat', 'Mr. Bucket', and we just eat that crap up], someone tries to cash in by hatching an old-school mad scientist idea. An idea that's probably going to take off because it has all the elements in it that Americans love. Raw power, explosions, and a dude with a Russian accent making it sound like this is something that is done all the time. It's like having a red neck neighbor who offers to fix the trouble you are having with a squirrel in the attic. By burning down your house, salting the land so nothing will ever grow on it, and then forcing you to live next to a radioactive body of water. Somewhere in there I lost the train of my analogy but you smell what I'm cooking.
Look, we have a hole in the bottom of the ocean that's leaking one of the most potent pollutants at [blah blah blah, have you heard enough about it? You want some figures about how many swimming pools it could fill up a day or how many fat chicks it could be used to buttfuck?]. Hey! A couple of A-Bombs sure as shit worked in Japan. If this works, think of the precedent that will be set!
Aid: Mr. President, all the bald eagles are almost completely extinct.
President: Nuke 'em.
Aid: Yes, and there's a wildfire in California that we can't seem to get under control.
President: Nuke it.
Aid: One more thing, there are some American hostages that were taken by the Iranian...
President: Yeah, nuke that too [yawn] in fact, could you also nuke that ambassador from China? I'm supposed to meet him in, like, 10 minutes and I really wanna take a nap. If anything else comes up, nuke that too. See ya.
Maybe if a nuclear bomb doesn't work, we should try genocide or ethnic cleansing. Maybe the earth's trying to tell us something...
Posted under Cold War!!, Evil Scientists, Pointless Movie Reference, To Benefit Society, What the fuck America?, gov't
This post was written by wintermute on July 5, 2010
