Back in the 1980′s, ninjas were everywhere. They fought with Knight Rider and Airwolf, returning American servicemen Ninjas fought evil Japanese Ninjas, there were ninja turtles, and you couldn’t go to a fucking movie theater without seeing a poster of a ninja making crazy ‘I kill you’ eyes.

Then, suddenly, people stopped wearing coke spoons around their necks, we all put our Jams shorts up for the winter and never got them back out, and started making movies about snarky cops who Don’t Fight Ninjas… 10,000 years from now, when the archaeologists of the future dig down to the 1980s layer of North America, they are going to see ninjas, and they are going to say ‘man, these guys where everywhere. What happened to them? Maybe a meteorite hit the earth and made nunchucks and shrukens toxic?’.

Posted under The Circle of Life, The Normal Things I Ramble About

It’s been a news field day- I haven’t seen Cristina Amanpour this excited since the civil war in Bosnia. They are getting the most mileage out of the Brand New War with Libya and the post-earthquake-tsunami nuclear reactor crisis in Japan. After having my nose rubbed in both of these items for days on end, I was forced to develop opinions on them.
A Super Meltdown is Imminent at Fukushima
The focus of all of this panicky American style ‘sky-is-falling’ type of reporting is the increasingly irradiated food supply from the surrounding area, the spread of radiation, and the potential for a meltdown which would have results that are both hard to predict and disastrous. The largest threat is being suppressed by the news, something that still lives in the memory of the citizenry of Tokyo who lived through the 50’s and 60’s.

Where’s Regan when you need him?
Now that the world has managed to awaken 1980’s ‘Line-of-Death’ Gaddafi from his slumber, the world is on the most pussy-footed of tippey-toe war mongering. How pussy-footed? France is leading the charge, with the foffy French president making some shitty off-the-cuff comment along the lines of “Yoo know, dees ware ool Franch colonies, so –ah- wee weel poot dam een line” with a fucking frog leg and a cigarette hanging out of his mouth.
I’m not going to bore you with how I feel about this, right or wrong, but I would like to remind everyone of the perils of combat and the dangers of senseless violence that was taught to us in the 1980’s, when TKO had enough and faced off to break-dance fight Electrorock in Breakin’ 2- Electric Boogaloo:

May we learn what Ozone, Turbo and Endo taught us and never let violence escalate to these heights again.

Posted under GODZIRRA!!!!, Historic Moments In Our Lifetime, Pointless Movie Reference, Tha Whar, Yeah, Great Fucking Journalism

Posted under Music, The FUTURE!

I’m not going to back this up with a long explanation of where I am, what I’m doing or how I got here, suffice to say that I’m trapped in a Starbucks for about 10 hours due to complications surrounding the Christmas season, family obligations and work. 

I’d also like provide the following supporting information:

1. I fucking hate Starbucks
2. I fucking hate the iPhone
3. I fucking hate rednecks with money

I’m now at the mercy of Starbucks- they alone are able to sustain me today as I eat trendy Starbucks food, drink their overpriced coffee, and drink water from a bottle whose label makes me think the water must have been recycled from Lake Titicaca to save the life of a child in the third world. 

Loudly, and too close to me to ignore, is a family gathering of 5 slack jawed mouth breathers along with the results of their breeding activities. They are all brandishing iPhones, and arguing loudly about their twitter accounts but other than than ignoring each other to talk about what apps they have on their phones. I feel like a fucking anthropologist watching monkeys use sticks to catch ants. Samples from the sounds they are making while wildly waving their iPhucking iPhones around and screeching at 200 decibles:

“Yew git mah twidder updayt”

“Naw it ain’t un mah twidder”

“Aw-rite, yew get mah re-qway-est to vew yer twidder”

“Naw, ah dun see ee-yit in mah twidder”

“Naw, yew gunna see ee-yit in yer ee-may-yell”

“Wha yew sendit ta mah ee-may-yell”

“Ah durnt, twidder dee-yid”

“How yew diddat”

“Ah gawt 6 full-er-ers”

“Ah gawt an app dat let me hunt deer”

“Dat ain’t an app, ‘atsa game”

“Uh-uh, aye goddit a’da app star”

It’s been going on for more than an hour now. I call on all the powers of the universe to give me the strength to just make it though this and move on to the next chapter in my life

“Naw, it ain’t un mah twidder” to us all…

Posted under Holidays, The Normal Things I Ramble About, Wow