Before I start this diatribe, I would like to formally apologize for taking the easy road and making fun of Michael Jackson last year. Now, allow me to jump onto the Grieving For The Departed Michael Jackson Band Wagon.

Fuck every single American for pissing on Michael Jackson for almost 20 years, in the following narrative:

Yeah, he’s a cute little black kid that can dance. Now he’s a black man. Oh wow, that Thriller video is off the hook! Damn, look at that Moon Walk. Aww, we’re tired of him. He REALLY needs to go out of his
way to get our attention now. He talks funny, he’s weird, his hair caught on fire, he has a theme park in his front yard, he owns a monkey that dresses like him, he’s on trial for child molestation, he’s found innocent, blah blah. Let’s make him the butt of every joke we make in our media. Let’s discount all his talent and show no appreciation for all the entertainment he provided us with for his entire
life. Let’s drive him to insanity trying to please us. Let’s follow and criticize his every move. Oh, he’s dead? Let’s celebrate his life achievements.

That’s weak America. Michael Jackson is the greatest entertainer in history, the most recognizable and popular American since Benjamin Franklin, and he was way smarter than you or me. He had a rough childhood, difficulty with internalizing his self image, and issues. So do you. Hey, how about I skewer you on the media in front of the whole world? It’s bad enough that this country
uses 75% of the world’s natural resources, but on top of that we had the greatest entertainer of all time and we treated him like a piece of crap on the heel of our shoe. Shame on you, and shame on everyone. We should all like up and tell Jermaine how sorry we are for what we did. I would now like to point my finger at myself and everyone else, and say "Shame on you America, you killed Michael Jackson and now he’s lost to the world forever. We killed him,and now he’s dead and he will never come back."

Posted under Music

I think anyone who’s ever had unprotected sex should get a gift for fathers day, just in case. Unless it was unprotected sex with a tranny. That doesn’t count. BUT, if you ever pounded the walls and worked the middle of a real mamma’s silk purse, go buy yourself one of those expensive Belgian beers from the upscale grocery store. Get some of those crackers that are half cracker/half pretzel and some cheeze wiz while you’re at it. You just might deserve it. There’s no Illegitimate Father’s Day; that bill hasn’t made it through congress, so you have to celebrate the same day the rest of us do.

Posted under Holidays

Posted under Filler (You know, having a baby and crap), Music

The recent birth of our third child has given me pause to reflect on some issues that really bring us together as a society. As a father of children, I reflected on the fact that, in front of the entire family that looks up to me with such awe and respect, I made the comment “What the fuck is wrong with these Mexican motherfuckers trying to cross the street? Don’t they have streets in Mexico? Do they take a fucking monorail everywhere?”. What caused this was the observation that several Hispanic males were doing what I considered at the time to be a piss poor job of crossing the street with a modicum of safety and consideration for the 3 ton cars traveling towards them. I now know this statement to be racist and poorly formed.

This behavior comes from all poor people. Why the fuck can’t you wait until a good opening to cross the street safely? Do you really trust me to stop that much? So much that you’re pushing a stroller in front of you? Where the fuck do you have to be that you need to take that kind of risk? Is there a sale on Winston 100 menthols at the check-cashing kiosk that also provides legal representation services and abortions? For fuck’s sake, didn’t your dead-beat mother ever take time from giving nickel hay-jays that supported her meth habit (which she clearly didn’t abandoned when she learned she was pregnant with you) to tell you to look both ways before you cross the street? Is there any part of my look of utter disgust that you question? In hindsight, do you rethink your decision to suddenly and without warning step in front of a 3 ton steel minivan which is going approximately 60 miles an hour?

Yeah, if you have ‘poor people sense’ this isn’t going to make much sense to you. If you’re scratching your head while you’re reading this and thinking ‘what the hell is he talking about?’, then PLEASE DON’T WALK CASUALLY IN FRONT OF MY CAR. A father of three doesn’t get much sleep, is constantly cranky, can only steer with one hand while he swats at any or all of his ungrateful little kids and is so distracted screaming the names of his children that he may not notice you until it’s too late. Instead, I suggest you step in front of something more socially continuous, like a Prius.

Posted under America is a couple of months away from a Mad Max movie, PSA, Poor America?, To Benefit Society, What the fuck